


The Things We Couldn't Say

by Merrov



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-16
Updated: 2010-09-16
Packaged: 2017-10-11 21:25:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/117291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merrov/pseuds/Merrov
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They're both terrible communicators, when it comes to their relationship. Daniel knows this, accepts this. One insomnia filled night he decided that he should update his will, and perhaps do something about their communication issues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Things We Couldn't Say

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the 2009 jd_ficathon.

Daniel had always liked lazy mornings. An insomniac to the core, there was something very precious about the days when it didn't matter what time he got up. There was no rush, just that languorous feeling of slowly waking up to sun warmed sheets, opening sleep gummed eyes and stretching. He loved to lay in bed and watch the dust particles drift in the sunlight streaming through the window. He particularly liked the late mornings when Jack was still in bed beside him. Mornings like that, Daniel thought, could be categorized as the ultimate perfection.

This morning was not one of those mornings. He'd started out the evening at his apartment, awake as usual, long after Jack had fallen into military sleep mode. Bored, he'd tried playing computer games, surfing around online, even cleaning up the sty he called a kitchen. He hadn't gotten very far with that. His brain on overdrive, he flitted from thought to thought. He had finally given up on sleep entirely and, after a whispered assurance to a half awake Jack, he'd left the apartment and ended up back at the SGC, on a Saturday night.

So, there he was, waking up to find his cheek pressed against his computer keyboard. Instead of dust in the sunlight, he was treated to a view of the old coffee mugs and cookie packages that littered his desk at the SGC. Groaning, he pulled himself upright. His neck was sore and he knew he had imprints on his cheek from the keyboard. Rubbing his neck, he looked around. The clock on the wall read 0550, which was surely too early to be awake on a Sunday morning. Frankly he was amazed that Jack was still in his apartment, happily post coital and asleep in his bed, at least he presumed he was. His noncaffeinated brain took a minute to reboot but he finally remembered what had brought him to the SGC the night before. He'd come to update his will.

He remembered the first time he'd admitted to himself that he loved Jack. It hadn't been an earth halting crisis, no one on the team had been about to die. They'd been at Jack's place, having a barbeque. Jack was, of course, manning the grill, joking (flirting, Daniel thought) with Sam. Something about the moment - and maybe it was just the beer Jack had plied him with - had made Daniel sit up and take notice. He'd realized then, watching Jack serve up steaks that were maybe a little too over done, that at some indefinable point in time he had fallen for the Colonel. Deeply. Madly. Head over heels.

They'd stayed in each other's orbit for a while after that, but when they finally came together, it was as subtle as a car collision. They'd never really talked about what they had. Jack didn't like talking about his feelings, and Daniel could never figure out where to start. By some unspoken agreement, they always ended up at Jack's house or Daniel's apartment whenever they were on Earth. At the base, they never did anything to draw suspicion. It had been almost six months now, since their first fateful kisses. They were both happy, Daniel thought, but he still wanted to talk about what they had, to quantify it. Whenever he opened his mouth, however, Jack would look at him and his thoughts would fly out of his head.

He'd stared at his computer screen for what felt like hours, trying to figure out a way to make the changes that wouldn't attract the military's suspicion about what was going on between him and Colonel O'Neill. Daniel most certainly did NOT want Jack to be outed by something in his will, after all. The military's Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy kept them from being Out, out, but those close to them knew, of course. How could Sam and Teal'c not know? Sam had practically pegged them even before they had realized what was going on.

After the latest of Daniel's near-death episodes, Janet knew. Daniel had been out with an archaeological team while Jack and Sam flew off to DC for some military function. During the dig, Daniel had managed to find a weak spot in the temple floor, and he and several flagstones weighing at least five times as much as he did had tumbled almost 20 feet. Bless Janet's heart, she had later told Daniel all about Jack rushing into the infirmary, face white as a sheet, demanding to see Daniel before they wheeled him off to a second surgery that he may or may not make it out of.

It helped that Jack was already the executor of his will. He'd put that in some months after he first came back to Earth from Abydos. Sam, Jack, and Teal'c were the closest thing he had to family, so it had only made sense. Now though, things had changed between them, and Daniel wished there was something more he could do, some sort of affirmation he could give Jack. He wanted to leave no doubt in Jack's mind that Daniel loved him. Daniel figured most of his artefacts would end up in a museum or locked up by the SGC, but the apartment itself, that he could leave to Jack. He just couldn't see anyone else living there. His movies… they'd go to Teal'c. That way he could at least pass on some real culture to him, instead of letting him continue to subsist off the Jerry Springer and Simpsons recordings that Jack was feeding him.

Daniel had gotten to work, made all the necessary changes. Still he wished he could do something more. If it was left up to Jack, they'd never get past the unspoken part of their relationship. That was when Daniel had hit upon his brilliant idea. A letter. Something that would be sealed up and only delivered to Jack and Jack alone. Thus inspired, Daniel had hunched back over the keyboard, typing away until the insomnia suddenly gave up the fight with oblivion.

Now, Daniel had almost 40 pages of 'ujjuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,' typed by his cheek while sleeping, to clean up. He sighed and carefully selected the random letters, deleting large chunks of it at a time. Once he was finished, he looked over the letter he'd written, not entirely sure he was happy with it yet. This wasn't something he wanted to get wrong.

Daniel finally gave up, deciding to email it to his home computer so he could read it over again with fresh eyes later. As an afterthought, he emailed the updated will as well. Once that was done, he deleted the file containing the letter from his SGC computer. Leaving it there would just be asking for trouble, he knew.

The need to pee, get some coffee, and maybe even some breakfast eventually drove him from his office. Bladder relieved, Daniel stood in the doorway of the mess hall, considering his options. It was a Sunday, so there wasn't a lot going on around the base, and Daniel figured his best bet was to just hit the drive through McDonalds on his way home. Humming to himself, he signed himself off the base and headed for his car. Daniel knew he should just head home and try to get more sleep, but his brain had woken up again, so even if he tried, it probably wouldn't happen.

Instead of heading straight for McDonald's and then home, Daniel detoured to the grocery store, compiling a mental list as he drove. With Jack staying with him, he knew he'd need more food in his fridge and cupboards than there currently was. That man ate like a starving wolf, not that it showed on his physique at all. Daniel smiled as he drove. He loved thinking about Jack's body. That man was sex walking, though the Colonel himself didn't seem to believe it. Daniel let his mind drift as he came to a stop at a light on the edge of town. He thought of the quiet, serious muscles that moved under Jack's scarred skin, thought about the hairy chest and smooth back, about the peaks and dips of his hips, the curves of his wrists. Daniel had a bit of a thing for Jack's wrists. There was something so very gorgeous about them, though he'd never been able to explain it to Jack. Not that the Colonel had minded Daniel's devotion to that particular part of his anatomy. Daniel shook himself out of those thoughts as the light changed. No use in getting excited when he had to focus on driving.

Two hours later, Daniel arrived at the apartment, two McDonalds bags in the passenger seat, the trunk full of groceries. It was nearly 0800 now, and Jack was sure to be awake. Daniel picked up the McDonalds bags and got out of the car, leaving the groceries behind. He'd have Jack help bring them inside in a bit.

Clutching the paper breakfast bags between his teeth, he fumbled for his key. Jack always insisted on locking the apartment doors even when they were home. It wasn't so much that Daniel chose not to, but he usually did forget to. It was one of the things that drove Jack up the wall and always made Daniel laugh in the process.

The proper key slid into the deadbolt, and Daniel pushed open the door, pulling the slightly damp bag tops from his mouth as he entered the apartment. It was oddly quiet, he thought. "Jack?" he called, closing the door behind him and moving towards the kitchen.

Daniel stopped in the doorway, surprised at the sight that greeted him. Jack was sitting with his elbows on the kitchen table, bent head resting in his palms. In front of him was a piece of paper, a printout. Daniel couldn't make out what it said from where he stood. "Jack?" he asked, voice soft. Had something happened?

Slowly, Jack moved, turned to look at him. Daniel felt a zing of pain in his chest. Were those… _tears_ on Jack's face?! "Jack, what's happened?" Daniel dropped the bags of McDonalds on the counter and quickly moved across the kitchen to bend over his lover. As he did, he got a look at the printer paper on the table. Was that…?

It was the copy of the letter that he'd emailed to his home computer. Jack must have gotten online. Daniel's email account automatically downloaded all new mail when the internet was activated. And now Jack had seen the letter, read the letter. Daniel shakily moved to sit in the chair across from the still silent Jack. He hadn't meant for Jack to read that until he was dead and gone. He'd never thought he'd have to see Jack's reaction to it, yet here he was.

Jack looked back down at the letter, and one rough hand moved to touch it. "Saw this," he started, voice rough, eyes still fixed on the paper. "Thought it was for me… I thought…" Jack let out a sharp bark of a laugh, and Daniel jumped. "That first line, I thought, well, I had to print it out, really read it." He looked up at Daniel and the expression in his eyes was raw. "I thought maybe you were leaving. I saw that first line, and… my stomach just dropped. I printed it, had to read it…" he trailed off again and picked up the letter, gently, almost reverently. "Danny, this is, uh, wow."

Daniel couldn't help the small smile that stretched across his lips. "So I take it I didn't inadvertently scare you away, then."

"Scare me away?" Jack got up and moved around the table quick enough to surprise Daniel. The next thing he knew, Jack had pulled him to his feet and had wrapped him in a tight embrace. "I know I'm not good with the talking thing, but…" Jack paused, kissing Daniel's neck, ear, jaw, and then finally moved to plant a lingering kiss on his lips. Daniel responded, wrapping his arms around Jack's neck and shoulders and opening his mouth to deepen the kiss.

Finally, Jack muttered something that sounded like "Four…" against his lips, pulled away and smiled. "I love you, too, Danny. I hope you know that. I may not always say it, but I do always feel it. I don't have some posthumous letter to accidently give you early as proof, but maybe this'll do." Before Daniel could say a word, Jack hooked a finger through one of the belt loops on Daniel's pants and pulled him out of the kitchen, towards the bedroom.

The letter lay on the table where they'd left it.

 _Jack,_

I told myself that this is the best way to go about this, and I hope I'm right.

This is a letter to say everything that we never really talked about. This is a letter to let you know just what my feelings are towards you. I know, I know, neither of us are very good at expressing them, so I thought this would be the easiest way. Now, if you're reading this letter, I've died, so you're probably a little… off, right now, but focus and read this anyway, because this is important.

I love you. I love you more than you could ever know. And as clichéd as that sounds for a final letter, it's the honest truth, and just in case you didn't realize it while we were together, I thought I'd say it. At the time of my writing this, we've only been together for six months, and we've never really talked about what we had. You're no good at it, and I never know where to start (or you cut me off and change the subject before I can get very far). I know you don't do feelings, so I never pushed the subject. It would have torn me apart if I said something to scare you away.

Well, now you can't interrupt me. Now I can't scare you away. You have no idea how unbelievably happy you've made me, and I like to believe I've made you happy too. You're far more of a closet romantic than I am, but here it is. I want us to grow old together. I want us to be those two annoying, snarky old men, sitting in their armchairs, boring their friends with stories of the past and arguing to each other about the little details of events that we only half remember. I want to be with you when you eventually retire. We can get a house, raise a dog. I hope we managed to do that by the time you actually read this.

Even if we didn't, even if I die next week and we've only had a few short months together, it will all have been worth it, as far as I'm concerned. It feels like my entire life has led up to this moment, this time spent with you. I can't describe the way you've made me feel. I can't describe the emotions that well up in me every time you smile, every time we touch, every time we bicker and snark. I love all of it, all of you.

The ancient Greeks (and stop rolling your eyes, Jack) had different words for different types of love; Storge, the love of one's family, Philia, the love of friends, or brotherly love. The third is Eros, sexual love, and the fourth is the big one; Agape, the forever and always, soulmates, self sacrificing, in sickness and in health kind of love.

We're a Four. It's not a phase, or a thing. It's not a summer or a year. It's more than a lifetime. I can't live and not love you anymore than I could live and not breathe. Look, what I'm trying to say is, whatever happens, know that you mean the world to me, and I count myself beyond the luckiest man in the world to have you.

I just needed you to know. I hope this doesn't make my death any more painful. I just wanted you to know how precious what we have is to me.

My last thoughts will have been of you, because every thought is of you.

Yours, now and forever,

-Daniel

oOo

A while later, after the post-coital haze had lifted, Daniel made his way back into the kitchen in search of the now cold McDonalds breakfasts. He paused at the table, staring down at the letter, a small smile on his lips. Who knew something like updating his will and writing a letter could do so much good for their relationship?

Still smiling to himself, he wandered back to the bedroom, breakfasts in hand. Jack was still stretched out in the bed, comforter around his hips, hands pillowed behind his head. He smiled lazily at Daniel as the archaeologist rejoined him.

Settled in bed again, Daniel unwrapped the Egg McMuffins and handed one to Jack. "Oh, did you read the updated will too?"

Mouth full, Jack shot him a curious glance. Taking that as a no, Daniel continued, "I couldn't sleep last night, so I ended up back at the SGC and decided to update my will. Teal'c is getting my movies." Jack snorted in amusement. Daniel smiled at him, then turned his attention back to his own sandwich before quietly adding, "I'm leaving you the apartment. I can't see anyone else living here."

He was still staring at his food when Jack wrapped an arm around his waist. "I can't see anyone else living here either, Danny. I have to ask though, is there some reason you're thinking about your will these days?"

"No," Daniel shook his head, before amending his statement. "Well, what with the work we do, I guess it's just a good idea to be prepared…"

Jack laughed, "you mean with how often you get injured, captured, or die?"

Daniel raised his eyes, looking at Jack through his lashes, "yeah, I guess so."

"You gotta stop doing that, by the way. It's not good for my blood pressure. And you're making me go grey, you know." Jack leaned in and kissed Daniel, long and hard. "Now eat up. I'm planning to keep you in bed all day."

Settling more comfortably against Jack, Daniel obediently ate his breakfast. They were going to get their lazy Sunday after all.


End file.
